Diary of a Snow Shoveler

My new supervisor has a mot he uses a lot: "I got nothin'", he'll say. Remarkable the number of different situations in which this is, as it turns out, the appropriate response.

I keep trying to come up with an interesting topic for the Blog, and....yep, "I got nuthin."

I think its the weather...

And in support of that theory I offer the following which I got forwarded to me in my email. Don't know the author...it's been around for a while. My compliments to whoever wrote it.





Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8 - 6:00 PM.It started to snow. The first snow of the seasonand the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the windowwatching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.I love snow!

December 9 -We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.What a fantastic sight!Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World?Moving here was the best idea I've ever had.Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.What a perfect life.

December 12 -The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment.My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas.No snow on Christmas would be awful!Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.l don't think that's possible.Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 -Snow lovely snow! 8" last night.The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so.The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.This is the life!The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 -20 inches forecast.Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.Stocked the freezer.The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.I think that's silly.We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 -Ice storm this morning.Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt.Hurt like hell.The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17 -Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.Electricity was off for 5 hours.I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her.God I hate it when she's right.I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 -Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night.More shoveling. Took all day.Goddamn snowplow came by twice.Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey.I think they're lying.Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.Might have another shipment in March.I think they're lying.Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.I think he's lying.

December 22 -Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August.Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss.By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy.I think the asshole is lying.

December 23 -Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 -6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack.If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel.I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Chris tm as carols with her and open our presents, but I was toobusy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25 -Merry fucking Christmas! 20 more inches of the god damn slop tonight.Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow!Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.The wife says I have a bad attitude.I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 -Stills snowed in.Why the hell did I ever move here?It was all HER idea.She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 -Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 -Warmed up to above -20.Still snowed in.THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 -10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 -Roof caved in.I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass.The wife went home to her mother.9" predicted.

December 31 -I set fire to what's left of the house.No more shoveling.

January 8 -Feel so good.I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.Why am I tied to the bed?


Comments since last post on Cherry Blossom Time

Cherry Blossom Time!

"The warmer it is, the more snow the atmosphere can hold". That's what the guy on NPR said this morning. The cherry blossoms are blooming in New York...."At the Brooklyn Botanic Garden, it hardly seems like the dead of winter. Most cherry blossoms don't bloom until the beginning of spring when the winter chill finally begins to warm up. But there hasn't been a winter chill for most of the season, and for that reason, a cherry blossom tree was in practically full bloom on this the second day of January." (according to wcbstv.com)

NPR also says it's going to discuss "The Politics of Mental Health Care" tomorrow morning (That'd be Monday, January 8th). I'd like to hear that...might get me refocused.

But I'm struck by how the weather can take over experience. When I posted the last "blog", it was just after the first storm. Then there was the second storm...then the third.... On the news last night, the weatherman warned about the possibility of another "big" storm next weekend. Work is providing an unprecedented number of "snow days". I bless them for it. I thank my lucky stars I'm not "essential personnel" any more.

How extrodiarily difficult it must be for those who are having to go to work, or leave it, at midnight...or who are kept in cold hotel rooms on their off time, so they'll be available tomorrow. One weekend is one thing. Two, three...maybe four...maybe more....is another.

I hope you're all finding ways to take care of yourselves. Even though I'm now non-essential, I took up T'ai Chi...figured it couldn't hurt. Even for the non-essential, the snow adds a layer of challenge and uncertainty to ordinary activities. Deciding to go grocery shopping becomes measuring your willingness to launch the car into the uncertain reception of the street you live on, bump your way around and through remarkable snowy caverns, find a parking slot in the piles of snow in the parking lot, then shove your cart fully laden back to the car through inches of slush. All of which requires movement with strength and balance...thus, T'ai Chi!

The instructor was late the first morning...came in through the snowy steets, stamping and swearing..."Hey! I thought this T'ai Chi stuff was meant to increase serentity!" I said. He mumbled and grumbled off to the changing room.

He felt better after class. At least that's what he said.

I left class wondering why I can't automatically know my right from my left. I think I'll put a big X on my right hand before class next week.

Nevertheless, the T'ai Chi class brought to mind the hexagram of "Return" in the I Ching..the one that says,

"Thus the kings of antiquity closed the passes At the time of solstice.
Merchants and strangers did not go about,
And the ruler
Did not travel through the provinces."

The gist of it is that in the dead of winter, as the earth changes from days getting shorter, to days getting longer, everything should rest. All this snow seems to underline that advice. Everything tends to slow you down. The non-essentials are abandoned. The essentials turn out to be eat and stay warm. So simple. So restful. Unless you're an "essential personnel", of course. Then you're toast.

Humor, surely, is the only helpful response to our snowbound predicament.

....I'm trying to think of a joke....

Well. That's all I can muster this week. Hope somebody out there wants to post an interesting comment or two!! Everybody could use "em!

Good Comments since last post on the most recent three essays.