St. Scholastica

Oh good grief.  I've done it now.  Not only did I get a Facebook account, I responded to multiple mailings from my high school graduating class.  Naturally, now that I've admitted I'm alive and well, those classmates are asking for a "bio" and "photo"...and I....I am wandering around my place trying to compose a "bio" in my head...that sums up 50 odd years in a couple of paragraphs.

I have toyed with the idea of just giving them the "resume" summary:  Graduated from University in blah blah blah, went to work as a blah blah blah, got married, had kids, got divorced, raised the kids, retired.  I find however, that bio worse than unsatisfying....it's not really what happened.  Those things did, of course, happen....but that's not really what I was "doing", if you know what I mean.

I kept on doing what I was doing at St. Scholastica which seems to be trying to find out "what's really going on here" - and, "what does it "mean"? And, if it means that, what am I supposed to do in response to whatever that is?  And like everyone's search for meaning, it took me to a lot of places (not exotic or romantic ones, I'm afraid) and caused me a lot of frustration and despair along the way.  My native and naive idealism suffered blow after blow, the very most painful of which was the discovery that I myself was not the person I wished I was.  Retrospectives can be quite uncomfortable. 

I'm a little resentful that my old classmates have required this of me.

I did not die, however.  And I have learned to be much calmer, less strident, more observant.  I doubt that I will ever discover "what's going on here" but have come to terms with that uncertainty, I think.  There are some beliefs that seem to be so basic to my temperament that they persist no matter what and they include the belief in something called "justice" which I think is experiencing the consequences of one's actions.  It think it's probably inescapable -  which is as it should be.  I'm also big on "compassion" and "love" as the real solution to most human woes.  I believe that money is simply a tool and never an end in itself.  I also think that there are too many people in the world; we need to trim down in more ways than one and if we don't do it ourselves, the world will do it for us.  I'm really big on "truth"...don't think I was very clear on that during my SSA days, but over time have become a big fan and advocate.  Much easier than trying to keep the lies straight for one thing and much safter than illusion.  I like vegetables and animals, my children and my children's children, books.

Here's something that I may have discovered that is worth knowing: creative endeavors are the most entertaining and satisfying occupation for human beings.  When all else fails, make something...anything...think something up and make it.  That's when I feel most at home in my own skin.
I think growing things counts as "making", don't you? ...even though it's mostly nature that's doing the creating part.  And you don't have to be highly skilled or expert- doesn't matter.  Creating something matters; it's what humans do.  If you're not able to create, you're not able to be human.

I still am capable of creating real bombast, apparently.

Hope this satisfies my earstwhile classmates; I know it's really interesting to see how people "turned out".  I liked seeing photos of some of my classmates although the sensation of seeing strangers was also very strong - I really don't know you guys.  I do have one friendship that started in that time but she didn't continue until graduation so doesn't show up on your list; it is nice to know someone who's known you that long though, isn't it?  There are several such friendships since college; and of course, there's still my mother, who I guess really has known me the longest.  It gives one a sense of coherence or something.

But really, you had to have been there don't you think?  Without context, facts don't tell you much.  I guess I'm trying to provide context. If it's facts you're after, email me.  

Suddenly Social

I signed up for Facebook. It was not long after my last post here.  I determined that I was missing more information than I was protecting.

So now I have "Facebook Friends".

I'm surprised at how many of them there are....especially since the handfull of "most important" people in my life are mostly NOT on facebook.  So who ARE all these "friends"?  Oddly, I do know...or I did know, all of them.  I haven't signed up any complete strangers.

And what kind of information am I getting?  Hard to say, really.

I've spend a lot of time trying to understand the algorythm that sends me what is called a "news feed"...which seems to respond to any "like" or "comment" I might offer by sending me more stuff by that person whose stuff I've "liked".   Sometimes I'm just trying to be nice...or "social"...I don't really especially like whatever it is...but of course the algorhythm doesn't know this....before long I'm inundated with real crap....moral seems to be "don't "like" it unless you like it"....or, perhaps, don't "like" anything.  But that makes me feel like a voyeur...lurking silently around, seeing what other's are doing.

I don't feel inclined at all to "post".  But I'm glad to learn bits about the lives of others.

Everyone is so careful not to make socially relevant or potentially controversial remarks...but not much else is intersting when you come right down to it, is it?...Do I care if so and so had a great meal?  No, I do not. And I also don't want to read all those forwarded articles....although I like knowing that you think I should.....I can see what you're interested in...get a feel for how you are thinking.  I suspect that I must "post" myself in order to do my bit this this world....but that is a problem for me;
what is it that I would care to say to all of these different people?  To say anything to all of them at once, I must search for the lowest common denominator...but how often is the lowest common demoninator interesting?  Why would you comment about it? There are things I would say to each of these persons individually....but nothing that I would say to all of them all at once.  And the whole point of saying something to an individual is usually to start a dialogue ...but I have zero skills at "dialoguing" with a hundred people simultaneously...don't even feel the desire to learn...
And, of course, there's the problem that what one finds funny the next finds contemptible....I'd hate being yelled at by all those folks who don't "get" my post....truly, it seems to be a world fraught with peril.

What I'm really interested in right now is the big world dance - the one advertised through news media outlets:  We start out slow, one person dead here, one dead there, then move quickly to a more energetic shuffle, pirrouette from that horror to a bigger weirder one with fireworks and trucks, and just when some alarm begins to ring (the brass section?), are whirled once again to a very entertaining 4 hour coup attempt.  It all goes by so fast, that one hasn't begun to process the first steps before being swept away in the dance, 1 and a 2, and a 5 and a 90 and a thousand.....and..... Wait a sec; does this dance end before we're all dead? Or is this nature's way of dealing with overpopulation?  I suppose I could "post" that thought....but there are people who are "friends" that I wouldn't ever think of saying that to....

So I do actually like Facebook, which puts me in touch with folks I'd lost touch with and would never have seen or heard from again.  That part is pretty great.

I could do what one friend does which is post pretty landscape photos.....but why?
So far, the Blog remains anonymous and "safe".  I can get it out of my system quietly, without causing ripples.  Meanwhile, I plan to just watch and learn....figure out the algorhythm.