I feel a bit like the bug smashed on the windshield.
Events are so much larger than me.
I shouldn't be so surprised. I anticipated all of this for years...except, maybe, Donald Trump....didn't really see that coming....
So.
My brother dies. My mother dies. There is a huge fire at the farm in which the old barn dies.
And I am the prime inheritor; the last of that nuclear family.
My nieces can't get along.
My daughters barely get along.
One of my daughters is effectively homeless....without drug or alcohol addiction....figure that.
The wind continues to blow in this really unhealthful way....spreading fires....making me feel too cold.....threatening....continually threatening.
I feel kind of shitty.....I perseverate on various illnesses....
I don't get enough exercise.
I drink too much wine.
North Korea launches missles.
Donald Trump is an idiot.
And here we are.
Where is this?, one might ask. 2017. A new era. Really really new. All bets are off. Yegods.
Can you hear those drums beating in the background?....getting closer.......getting louder.... more insistent.....increasingly unignorable?.....bom bom bom bom......
As a (relatively) old person...an oldish person shall we say, I in fact DO have a much broader perspective than would be possible for a 25 year old....having been 25 myself, I am quite confident that I do know more about the structure of society than I did then....and I feel, therefore, as though I should be able to suss out what the fuck's going on and come up with the correct line of action in response to it. And yet, I actually cannot.
A difficult position. All I can do, as it turns out, with my superior perspective, is to keep on doing what's right in front of me....which is plenty, what with being the prime inheritor and fire victim and all....but that's not the point......all I can do is do what's right in front of me....while having a rather acute awareness of how futile this activity really is. Huh. How odd.
We must pretend that all is going to proceed in a positive sort of direction....and behave with such an outcome in mind...it would be awful to act as though the negative outcome was inevitable.....that would surely lead to despair...to taking the lethal dose of kool-aide.....so we envision the future in a positive light and act in accordance with that (positive outcome) as the consequence of our current decisions....
Clearly the best course of action.
We just need to get rid of that "acute awareness of futility" problem.....prozac probably helps with this....but not enough.....alcohol helps briefly, then dumps you......anger used to be the best, but at my age, it takes way too much out of me....I'd rather not....
Perhaps we just take it. We go, "that's what it is to be human".....and accept it as fate....
I don't know....I feel a kind of burning resentment about this being the human condition....I find it hard to go along with....if I need to be floating freely down the stream of existence, this feeling is the big dead animal in the creek that is blocking my flow....if you see what I mean....
Well. So. There's an up to the minute report on doings here in Montana.....a busy place, as you can see.
I'll keep you posted.
Events are so much larger than me.
I shouldn't be so surprised. I anticipated all of this for years...except, maybe, Donald Trump....didn't really see that coming....
So.
My brother dies. My mother dies. There is a huge fire at the farm in which the old barn dies.
And I am the prime inheritor; the last of that nuclear family.
My nieces can't get along.
My daughters barely get along.
One of my daughters is effectively homeless....without drug or alcohol addiction....figure that.
The wind continues to blow in this really unhealthful way....spreading fires....making me feel too cold.....threatening....continually threatening.
I feel kind of shitty.....I perseverate on various illnesses....
I don't get enough exercise.
I drink too much wine.
North Korea launches missles.
Donald Trump is an idiot.
And here we are.
Where is this?, one might ask. 2017. A new era. Really really new. All bets are off. Yegods.
Can you hear those drums beating in the background?....getting closer.......getting louder.... more insistent.....increasingly unignorable?.....bom bom bom bom......
As a (relatively) old person...an oldish person shall we say, I in fact DO have a much broader perspective than would be possible for a 25 year old....having been 25 myself, I am quite confident that I do know more about the structure of society than I did then....and I feel, therefore, as though I should be able to suss out what the fuck's going on and come up with the correct line of action in response to it. And yet, I actually cannot.
A difficult position. All I can do, as it turns out, with my superior perspective, is to keep on doing what's right in front of me....which is plenty, what with being the prime inheritor and fire victim and all....but that's not the point......all I can do is do what's right in front of me....while having a rather acute awareness of how futile this activity really is. Huh. How odd.
We must pretend that all is going to proceed in a positive sort of direction....and behave with such an outcome in mind...it would be awful to act as though the negative outcome was inevitable.....that would surely lead to despair...to taking the lethal dose of kool-aide.....so we envision the future in a positive light and act in accordance with that (positive outcome) as the consequence of our current decisions....
Clearly the best course of action.
We just need to get rid of that "acute awareness of futility" problem.....prozac probably helps with this....but not enough.....alcohol helps briefly, then dumps you......anger used to be the best, but at my age, it takes way too much out of me....I'd rather not....
Perhaps we just take it. We go, "that's what it is to be human".....and accept it as fate....
I don't know....I feel a kind of burning resentment about this being the human condition....I find it hard to go along with....if I need to be floating freely down the stream of existence, this feeling is the big dead animal in the creek that is blocking my flow....if you see what I mean....
Well. So. There's an up to the minute report on doings here in Montana.....a busy place, as you can see.
I'll keep you posted.
