Yes. Well. Here we are tax day...this year we get til Monday....great....to fund our government...which I am totally down with...except our government appears to refuse to govern...which gives me pause.
That is not my current issue, however. Even though it's a good one. My current issue is my own (of course) epiphany about the transitory nature of things....this is, of course, not a new idea. Yet...being in charge of all of my mother's "stuff" makes me nose to nose with this fact of "transitory"ness....Mom seemed to think that "old" is "good"...but then, "good" to whom? why?...so she dies, and no body knows why this stuff is important...what it has reminded her of...and even if they do...so, this stuff reminded my mother of such and such....what then? Am I to keep it for another generation...and then my daughters can look at it and go "what about this stuff?"...it is, in fact, very painful to be the receiptient of this old stuff...particularly knowing that a)I have no first hand memories that make this meaningful and b) my daughters will have to dispose of it and c)...c....history is continually erased...
My own will be..of course...erased....which is fine and as it should be...
But I'm left here wondering, "so what" about my life, my parent's life, my brother's life, my childrens' lives...I can see that one generation follows the other...new leaves on the tree as it were....ok...but we spend so much enery on "blooming", don't we? And when we don't "bloom"...we feel failures....
I feel so misled about things.
These old things of my mothers....mean nothing.
Wow. I thought they meant everything....
So what does mean something. I mean, hey....I'm not dead yet....I've managed to finance my way...I can exit without penalty....so...what the fuck? you know? What does it mean? What has meaning that I can enjoy? I've got 10 or 15 years....where is the meaning? What the fuck are we doing here? I totally believe in peace, love and satchinanad...but we are too crowded...too confused....too overwhelmed with input to make it make sense...the sense is there....we MUST find it....the yahoos and idiots are close to blowing it up!
Ok. So we are dealing with grief here. I see that now. I have dreams in which I am crying about being left so alone...my family all dead....I see that I really defined myself by my relationships with them...so that now that they are gone, I have lost that definition...rebel? against whom?....wtf.....
Egad. I must pull myself together! There's gardening! There's....uh....there's.....building various things...creativity...there's music ( I am getting remarkably skilled with the songs I know on the guitar)...there's philosophy. Mostly there is philosophy. I simply must know what the hell is actually going on here...and clearly, I am nowhere near figuring that out....I do know more than I did before...but still not enough for things to jell into something sensible...
To recap: We get born (rather willy nilly near as I can tell)...we are told what's important. We attempt to live according to what we've been told. We discover that the information we were given is faulty and attempt to refine, improve, update that info.....we fail...and find we don't know even what we mean by success.....
We are pretty sure, however, that our personal family is not representative of "success". To wit:
the pater familius commits suicide
the male heir falls in the driveway, suffers for 15 hours...dies....
the matriarch lives to 94 but alienates and damages her daughter....causes multiple "natural disasters" after her death....is remembered as a witch....
This does not seem like "success". "Success" involves sweet breezes, flowers, serentity, peace and love , etc. etc...Anybody know where this is? Anybody? Anybody?
No, right?...Just as I thought. We are left thinking that we suffer to the degree we attach....
We find such pleasure in attachment, but since all things are transitory, attachment is suffering....That much I see....So that's something, I guess....
Kind of bittersweet, I must say.
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